Clever

From my favorite movie, 'Another Country:'

Fowler: Are you trying to be clever or something?
Tommy Judd: I don't have to try, I am clever.

I've never felt clever. Smart sometimes, but in the circles I started to move in at a certain age, I felt like I needed to be clever. Certain people always were, while I was a step, or three, behind.

Auto-something

At lunch a few weeks ago, a former co-worker told me I should write a book about my life (after I related some recent traumatic experiences). My immediate reaction was, what, my life hasn't been that interesting. But then I started thinking about some of the things I've done, people I've met, situations I've found myself in. Hey if Chelsea Handler can do it. And mostly, it's about the presentation.

Naps are evil

I just woke up remembering a high school church weekend retreat. Looked through the old posts and can't believe that I never blogged about this, how traumatic it probably was, and how much I hate my mother for making me go. I still don;t remember a lot of the details. I just remember it was something related to our Presbyterian church (though I remember absolutely no actual religious stuff actually happening like prayers or such). I am not even sure how old I was but I suspect right at the bad age, 12-13, just before high school. For some reason I think John M. was there, but my memory may be confused.

Anyway, I remember a school bus, being shipped off to an actually really cool old mansion somewhere out in the PA wilderness where I refused to participate in just about everything just to be a contrary little angry bitch boy. But I did find a hardcopy of a book containing the Asimov story 'Nightfall' which may have been one of the things that changed my life (along with my mother tossing the seemingly randomly-chosen library YA book 'Zero Stone' on my bed when I was sick with strep one time and I needed something to read--this maybe even more influentual, little did she know).

Anyway I managed to avoid the rest of the kids most of the time except for bed, which is just a blur of underwear and matressess (and probably my poor hormones freaking out). But we played some games at the end where I had to participate, but they were arranged where I was never the butt of the joke. I only figured this out later. I guess by then the asst minister by then figured out I could not talk any kind of teasing.

And there was a hayride. I still remember no praying or anything. Actually later when I was more comfortable and in bell choir, we never prayed either that I remember. Presbys were pretty minimalists as far as religion.

More on meds

Was really jittery on Monday, my knees were bouncing up and down uncontrollably. Went to 5mg yesterday and doing better. Not too pleased about another side effect though.

The big kiss on Glee last night was cute, though the setup for it seemed so silly. I suppose it's not fair to compare them to Riley and Zane on Degrassi because that show is an actual, somewhat realistic, drama (and made in much more open-minded Canada), while Glee makes no pretense at being realistic. Still, for FOX, that was a pretty good gay kiss.

Out of Sorts

Back from the gym, first Saturday in months. I feel like crap. I am hating the meds right now. I am hoping the lexapro side effects will settle down; I don't remember it affecting me this way before. Next week I'm going to Yoga like Riley; maybe it will help me because at the moment I'm having anger issues too.

A New start?

Went to a new Dr today (well technically, yesterday, Friday). Finally a gay therapist, and psychiatrist, and he seems really cool. He even knows my regular Dr. and he knows about DC Frontrunners. Somewhat ironically, I got referred to him by Randy (still not sure if their relationship is social or professional). He's not cheap but the insurance is paying most of it for now. I was sort of surprised how much I just spilled everything right in the first session. I was also surprised what seemed to get a reaction from him and what didn't. He was very supportive of me not wanting to deal with a certain organization that talked about a 'higher power' but was really talking about 'god' and was always about prayer. "You're not the only one who has a problem with that'. He didn't seem bothered at all about my Zane/Riley Degrassi obsession, though I got the feeling there would be a lot more talk about it. He seemed surprisingly not that interested in my guilt about John; has he already figured it's partly just some kind of transference from something much older? Looking back, I even surprised myself how much I talked, compared to sessions with other therapists years ago. I don't know if it's cause I am older and have done it for years, or eager for a fresh start, or finally a gay therapist I feel comfortable with (He's in the HRC building!) or some combination, but I feel good about this.

Degrassi: Riley and Zane

OMG my Riley/Zane thing is out of control. I had a dream last night that I was Riley, and in college with Zane, but I'd been hit on the head and had partial amnesia, and had done something horrible to Zane and spent most of the dream trying to get him to forgive me and believe I had amnesia. Talk about a twisted plotline.

Dreams

I had this very interesting series of dreams about my old roommate Paul W last night. In the dream (as in reality) we were living together, in our 20's, he was in med school and I was working at the Sci-tech library as basically the acting bibliographer (talk about a fun job, really! Paul had this hot gymnast body, and there were times were he seemed strangely flirty, like we would wrestle or he would offer to massage my legs after I ran, but then he'd get distant. Actually one of the oddly most intimate times was when he I was his patient for an eye exam (he was studying to be an opthalmologist, but I don't think that's what he ended up in), and we were sitting in chairs close together and he was using one of those little handheld instruments and we were sitting with our knees kind of interlocked and he put his hand on my knee and he seemed to be taking a very long time, and I was getting kind of nervous/excited/confused.... and this wasn't even the dream!

The dream actually sort of took off from there and, well it got pretty interesting.

First Year UVa

Dunno why, can't sleep, was thinking about my first year at the University of Virginia, definitely a life-changing experience. I turned 18, almost go kaboomed, learned a whole lot about myself and met a lot of great people.

I was lucky to have a great set of suite-mates... in no particular order:

Jake:
Jim:
Chip:
Louis:
Mike:
PJ
Steve:
And of course my roommate Joe, who actually was from nearby Crozet, claimed he hated UVa, and went home most weekends (which was nice so I had the room to myself to play classical music and nerd out). Though somehow he figured out I was gay before I was ready to admit it, and he even tried to set me up with his gay cousin (I should have agreed, he seemed nice, and he wrote pretty good poetry...).

I was quite the nerd (we won't go too far into George the green puppet) but they were all pretty cool to me.

For my friend John

A letter to my friend, who took his own life.

My friend John. Why? Though I know I have depression and I have been in that black place where it seems hopeless and you don't want to even reach out for help, still I am so sad. You were my friend when others were not. Our shithead boss even teased you about being gay because you hung out with the gay guy and you told him to fuck off. We had many fun drunk nights after work, goldschlager shots, ugh--your fault! And I think sometimes you dressed on those weekend outings to impress my sense of style if nothing else. You did, but you were so handsome, and I don't think you knew it inside or out, you were such a handsome young man, and such a kind person. When I got laid off at ALG, and I was sick, you drove me in to pick up my junk, that was a true friend. And tragically, we talked about that gun. I said I wanted to buy it, in case I wanted to do myself in, and you said you'd never sell it to me if you thought I would use it for that. John I was touched but now, damn it why not apply that to yourself. You were so smart and so kind, and (to be superficial) so handsome, and we have lost you.

I had to tell freakin Nani about what you did, and she was so angry, John, but she was not surprised, which made me upset that she suspected but did not act. She would not even let me hug her, she beat me and yelled things trying to explain why you should not have done it but I could tell she was somehow not surprised. Damn John. I wish I could have known.

I was so happy to see you at Westland after so long, it was like old times, but I felt shy about contacting you. You straight, me gay, even after all our nights of drinking, it was kind of awkward.

God I wish you had called me, we could have talked about how lonely depression is, and we maybe could have gotten you past it. So many people loved you and cared for you. I know if you had depression like me it does not feel that way, and you just want the pain to go away. But the feeling does pass. I wish I could have pulled that gun away from you John, damn I'd do anything to have been there to stop you.

So this is what helpless feels like, A month after you kill yourself and I still think about it every day and wish I had called after we met up again. What could I have done to make you feel less lonely? Had I known I would of course have broken down your door. But you're gone. All that is John and his little smile, his little chuckle, his Mr Burns Impression, is gone.

I think this is the worst guilt I will ever feel, deserved or not.

Star Trek: The gay episode

Well, Rick Berman would be spinning in his grave, if only he were dead (can't happen soon enough but at least he can't control the new movie). The gay character he always refused to allow (even a minor one, despite Roddenberry's wishes) has finally come to (at least) a webisode. I have to give the New Voyages guys credit, especially Cawley (who supposedly made his money as an Elvis impersonator? I have no idea how he funds this) who endorsed this interestingly timely episode written by none other than David Gerrold, the author of the most popular original TOS ep ever: Trouble With Tribbles, who also happens to be gay.

This is a pretty bold step though, since it re-introduces Kirk's nephew Peter, who survived from a plague in an episode of TOS and is now a young (cute, though he could use a haircut) adult in Star Fleet. Here are some pics of him and his Med Tech BF on the Enterprise courtesy of
towleroad. Guys kissing! OMG!

And here you can download the the whole FIRST PART:
The New Voyages

God! We have to wait to see if Peter and his cute boyfriend live to get married by Kirk a la Balance of Terror. All I can say is, it better not end THAT way!!!

The CG graphics are so far ahead of the old series, they seem awesome; though compared to a high-budget movie of course they are just cool. And the sets are loving recreations of the kind of cheesy old series ones (again, in ways they look better than the old ones). The acting is, well, what you would expect. Peter Kirk and his boyfriend are sweet though. And one amazing thing about this series is the old music. Old TOS fans will know there are about a dozen musical themes (if that) they used over and over. And for some reason to hear the 'romance/love' theme (you old fans will recognize; it was usually reserved for Kirk and his love of the episode) when Peter and his BF are together is like old time vindication, Thank you Cawley and Gerrold!

JKL

Since my last post inspired more comments than any in recent memory, I thought I'd go ahead and post a more provocative picture of my current crush. Wow is he dreamy or what?

Oh, and I got my nipple pierced today, Randy talked me into it. What can I say, I am weak. I have had my ear pierced 2x but this hurt a bit more. I took the opportunity to badger him about the Mormons and prop 8., At least he admitted that he voted for Obama, so there is hope for him.

Dan Savage is Full of it

Get your attention? Actually, I love Dan Savage; I have been reading his column Savage Love in The Stranger since the early days of the Seattle magazine, founded by old friends Will H. and Jonnie E. in I think the late 80's. Which I will get back to in a moment.

I just started listening to his interesting and entertaining podcasts. I'm a few weeks behind, but this morning at the gym I just listened to one where he started ranting about Wikipedia and how it got his age wrong: he is 34 not 43, and they must be dyslexic.

Um, I remember getting The Stranger mailed to me in Charlottesville; which I moved from in 1992. In fact I remember even joking with Jonnie that I'd love a date with Dan, and he said he told Dan and Dan said 'get me a plane ticket and you got a date.' I'm not sure if Jonnie was pulling my leg or not. However, Dan, the math is inescapable. I know your partner Terry is about 10 years younger than you and he's 34 now. Even if I was only reading Savage Love in 1992, you would be 18; and I'm pretty sure it went on for a few years before that. So I guess you were writing a sex advice column when you were like, 15?

Surely you're not embarrassed about your age! You look great... for 43. ;-)

Introspective

Last night's spin class was actually not bad; though the highlight was actually seeing once again the guy who subbed the class right before mine: this cute, tall, dark-skinned Chinese guy, L. He's always nice enough, but he was friendlier than usual yesterday; even chatty. I haven't seen him much lately; I used to see him every Saturday because he taught a kickboxing class right before my spin class, but now he is in grad school out of town somewhere and I only run into him once in awhile when he's back for the summer. Anyway, though he is pretty butch, I always had a feeling... so I did a little Facebook research and sure enough, there are pictures of him looking all cute with his (white) boyfriend.

Sigh.

Andromeda Strain 2008: a Review

So wrong in so many ways.

I suppose they felt they had to change it and update it (everything has to be secret government conspiracies now, instead of the novel and first movie, where a lot of things just went wrong because of inevitable human failings and mechanical failures).

Part of the problem as Entertainment Weekly pointed out, was that it was boring: "You know something's wrong when Bratt, after years of smooth cop talk on Law & Order, looks bored mid-paragraph."

The one sexy part, somewhat played up in the book, was when one woman, Ben Bratt and Rick Schroeder all had to go through decon. Even this was disappointing! We get to see a flash of her breast but do we get to see any hot Ben/Rick butt? No. (On a completely unrelated note, the walk along the bike path today was particularly nice: an endless parade of cute guy butts in bike shorts whizzing by).

But I digress.

The one doctor's (played by a woman in the first movie, then by hottie Daniel Dae Kim here) epilepsy was rendered pointless. In the book and first movie, the lab computer discovered something important and flashed a red light. The doctor, working late and alone, went into a petit mal seizure and blanked out, missing the warning. Also in the first movie, when she went into a major seizure at the end, people thought it was Andromeda and it caused a panic.

One interesting, but again pointless twist was that the Odd-man Hypothesis 'single man,' Rick Schroeder's character, was gay. It had no real meaning in the plot. It would have been a bit interesting if it was revealed that he was not in fact single but had a partner, thus cancelling out the purpose of him as the odd-man.

I'm not even going to go into the whole intelligent virus sent back through time through a wormhole crap. Or the drug-addicted reporter plot (also not in the book or first movie), or the crappy special effects of the red stain going over everything them miraculously eaten in seconds by the bacteria.

Finally though there was the silly ending in the shaft with the open radioactive pit at the bottom. The book and first movie were much more reasonable: the central core was filled with computer-controlled lasers, designed to shoot down any animals that might enter the shaft and try to climb up. Since the largest lab animals were small monkeys, the lasers were only powerful enough to stop them; a human could take several hits before being incapacitated. Instead we had them climbing around in this shaft with glowing water at the bottom, while bit of junk fell on them from above (I assume this was supposed to be materials disintegrating from above as Andromeda ate through the facility, but I just kept imagining stagehands up above dropping crap on the actors).

Overall a waste of time. I'm gonna go finish watching the first movie, which I have on VCR!

Idol wrapup

So my Archedorable didn't win. Maybe it's for the best: the evil, controlling music people will wait till the kid turns 18 and get him free of his evil, controlling stage dad.

I was glad to see the Alleged Lapdancer again (I swear that yesterday Moraes' blog referred to the third David as 'Allegedly Gay Stripper' ah the magic of the internet 'take-back'!), and I have to admit I enjoy those cheestastic group numbers. Donna Summer looked like hell (and did she need to be helped down the stairs?) but the Davids duet was cute.

Oh and all the shameless promotion was nauseating... though it looked like there were some cute Asian guys on So You Think You Can Dance.... Must. Not. watch...

Political Experience

Fareed Zakaria of Newsweek has a similar take on Hillary vs. Barack to mine, but in his mind it's more of a negative that she has more experience working in a more conservative world.

There was an article in the Washington Post today about how one little word changed not only Virginia's but the country's political landscape. When George Allen showed his true racist colors and called a young southeast asian man 'Macaca' he ruined his political career. It was soon all over the internet and old-guard media. He lost the U.S. Senate race to a Democrat, and any hopes for a presidential run were over. Hah! I always knew he was an ass.

And finally on a lighter note, my favorite CNN anchor Don L., (see older pic at left; sorry couldn't find one with him in his polo) yesterday afternoon reporting from a diner in a polo shirt. He looked so cute. Though I do think he's putting on some weight...

Later on CNN for the primary reporting, god that Wolf Blitzer gets annoying the way he repeats everything over and over...

Hillary vs. Barack

I don't usually talk much about politics here, but on the eve of Super Tuesday I thought I'd share a little.

Barack or Hillary? Really, I'd be fine with either one at this point. Both together would be a dream ticket, but neither would be willing to play second fiddle.

I like Barack. He's certainly charismatic, and if anything I think he's more liberal than Hillary. I like her health care plan better though. And I think Obama is a little naive. Hillary has been in the trenches and she knows what it's like. Remember when Bill (and she) came to power, they had an ambitious agenda. They tried to revamp health care and got stopped. Bill tried to allow gays to serve openly in the military and he was shut down. And this was by a congress controlled by Democrats! I remember Sam Nunn put a stop to Bill's gay plan, and the result was this unsatisfactory 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy.

I think Hillary's experience makes her a better candidate. She's certainly tough enough. Now if she did win, what will she do with Bill? He need's something to keep him busy... Secretary of State? He'd love that I bet. I'd love to see Al Gore back as Secretary of the Environment or something.

Umm...

I don't remember 'Dino Boy.' I think I would have watched it...

Hmmm, Salty!

Actually that title doesn't have much to do with anything, except the fact that I think I consume a lot of salt. Still I sweat a fair amount in exercise every day, and my blood pressure is low.

So next Tuesday is Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday... naturally I think back at this time of year to when Andreas and I were in New Orleans for the event as part of a cruise (it was the year before Katrina). I was also scanning some cruise pictures this morning, which just makes me pine for another cruise. I haven't had a real vacation in years.

If you're good maybe I'll post the link to the Mardi Gras gallery (mostly-naked dancing boys!)