For my friend John

A letter to my friend, who took his own life.

My friend John. Why? Though I know I have depression and I have been in that black place where it seems hopeless and you don't want to even reach out for help, still I am so sad. You were my friend when others were not. Our shithead boss even teased you about being gay because you hung out with the gay guy and you told him to fuck off. We had many fun drunk nights after work, goldschlager shots, ugh--your fault! And I think sometimes you dressed on those weekend outings to impress my sense of style if nothing else. You did, but you were so handsome, and I don't think you knew it inside or out, you were such a handsome young man, and such a kind person. When I got laid off at ALG, and I was sick, you drove me in to pick up my junk, that was a true friend. And tragically, we talked about that gun. I said I wanted to buy it, in case I wanted to do myself in, and you said you'd never sell it to me if you thought I would use it for that. John I was touched but now, damn it why not apply that to yourself. You were so smart and so kind, and (to be superficial) so handsome, and we have lost you.

I had to tell freakin Nani about what you did, and she was so angry, John, but she was not surprised, which made me upset that she suspected but did not act. She would not even let me hug her, she beat me and yelled things trying to explain why you should not have done it but I could tell she was somehow not surprised. Damn John. I wish I could have known.

I was so happy to see you at Westland after so long, it was like old times, but I felt shy about contacting you. You straight, me gay, even after all our nights of drinking, it was kind of awkward.

God I wish you had called me, we could have talked about how lonely depression is, and we maybe could have gotten you past it. So many people loved you and cared for you. I know if you had depression like me it does not feel that way, and you just want the pain to go away. But the feeling does pass. I wish I could have pulled that gun away from you John, damn I'd do anything to have been there to stop you.

So this is what helpless feels like, A month after you kill yourself and I still think about it every day and wish I had called after we met up again. What could I have done to make you feel less lonely? Had I known I would of course have broken down your door. But you're gone. All that is John and his little smile, his little chuckle, his Mr Burns Impression, is gone.

I think this is the worst guilt I will ever feel, deserved or not.

JKL

Since my last post inspired more comments than any in recent memory, I thought I'd go ahead and post a more provocative picture of my current crush. Wow is he dreamy or what?

Oh, and I got my nipple pierced today, Randy talked me into it. What can I say, I am weak. I have had my ear pierced 2x but this hurt a bit more. I took the opportunity to badger him about the Mormons and prop 8., At least he admitted that he voted for Obama, so there is hope for him.

James Kyson Lee

Uber hottie James Kyson Lee was on CSI last night! Wasn't a big role, he played a Las Vegas cop/translator, so he got to use his native Korean language skills, though sadly not much opportunity to show off his other, um, assets.

Archie Kao

While lounging around last night, I caught a couple of episodes of CSI, and at the beginning of one I was delighted to see an Asian-American guy! Archie Kao plays Archie Johnson. To my horror though, one minute into the show he got blown up! Fortunately it was just a hypothetical situation, and we got to see more of him later. Now I may have to make a point of watching CSI more often. Oh and amusingly, he apparently has an extensive history on Power Rangers. Guess who's going on my wishlist?

Here are some pictures of him.

Inexplicable

Now that I no longer have to drive to Takoma Park for work, I keep having this completely inexplicable desire to go there and have lunch at Everyday Gourmet. I got my lunch there fairly often, usually getting the tuna, or the turkey and saga blue cheese sandwich. I have no idea why I have fond memories of this (aside from the hot Korean manager), but I think I may have to metro up there some Saturday after spin.

Park Tae Hwan!

I am so excited this Korean cutie won the silver, after already taking a gold. Let's face it, he was racing against Phelps last night; silver is the best he could have done.

Introspective

Last night's spin class was actually not bad; though the highlight was actually seeing once again the guy who subbed the class right before mine: this cute, tall, dark-skinned Chinese guy, L. He's always nice enough, but he was friendlier than usual yesterday; even chatty. I haven't seen him much lately; I used to see him every Saturday because he taught a kickboxing class right before my spin class, but now he is in grad school out of town somewhere and I only run into him once in awhile when he's back for the summer. Anyway, though he is pretty butch, I always had a feeling... so I did a little Facebook research and sure enough, there are pictures of him looking all cute with his (white) boyfriend.

Sigh.

More Dreams

I wonder what is causing these dreams lately. Last night I dreamed of John R., my (very hot) half-Japanese former co-worker. It was a better dream than last night, but still weird. After watching 3 episodes of Battlestar Galactica last night, you'd think I'd dream of Gaeta...

Andromeda Strain 2008: a Review

So wrong in so many ways.

I suppose they felt they had to change it and update it (everything has to be secret government conspiracies now, instead of the novel and first movie, where a lot of things just went wrong because of inevitable human failings and mechanical failures).

Part of the problem as Entertainment Weekly pointed out, was that it was boring: "You know something's wrong when Bratt, after years of smooth cop talk on Law & Order, looks bored mid-paragraph."

The one sexy part, somewhat played up in the book, was when one woman, Ben Bratt and Rick Schroeder all had to go through decon. Even this was disappointing! We get to see a flash of her breast but do we get to see any hot Ben/Rick butt? No. (On a completely unrelated note, the walk along the bike path today was particularly nice: an endless parade of cute guy butts in bike shorts whizzing by).

But I digress.

The one doctor's (played by a woman in the first movie, then by hottie Daniel Dae Kim here) epilepsy was rendered pointless. In the book and first movie, the lab computer discovered something important and flashed a red light. The doctor, working late and alone, went into a petit mal seizure and blanked out, missing the warning. Also in the first movie, when she went into a major seizure at the end, people thought it was Andromeda and it caused a panic.

One interesting, but again pointless twist was that the Odd-man Hypothesis 'single man,' Rick Schroeder's character, was gay. It had no real meaning in the plot. It would have been a bit interesting if it was revealed that he was not in fact single but had a partner, thus cancelling out the purpose of him as the odd-man.

I'm not even going to go into the whole intelligent virus sent back through time through a wormhole crap. Or the drug-addicted reporter plot (also not in the book or first movie), or the crappy special effects of the red stain going over everything them miraculously eaten in seconds by the bacteria.

Finally though there was the silly ending in the shaft with the open radioactive pit at the bottom. The book and first movie were much more reasonable: the central core was filled with computer-controlled lasers, designed to shoot down any animals that might enter the shaft and try to climb up. Since the largest lab animals were small monkeys, the lasers were only powerful enough to stop them; a human could take several hits before being incapacitated. Instead we had them climbing around in this shaft with glowing water at the bottom, while bit of junk fell on them from above (I assume this was supposed to be materials disintegrating from above as Andromeda ate through the facility, but I just kept imagining stagehands up above dropping crap on the actors).

Overall a waste of time. I'm gonna go finish watching the first movie, which I have on VCR!

Idol wrapup

So my Archedorable didn't win. Maybe it's for the best: the evil, controlling music people will wait till the kid turns 18 and get him free of his evil, controlling stage dad.

I was glad to see the Alleged Lapdancer again (I swear that yesterday Moraes' blog referred to the third David as 'Allegedly Gay Stripper' ah the magic of the internet 'take-back'!), and I have to admit I enjoy those cheestastic group numbers. Donna Summer looked like hell (and did she need to be helped down the stairs?) but the Davids duet was cute.

Oh and all the shameless promotion was nauseating... though it looked like there were some cute Asian guys on So You Think You Can Dance.... Must. Not. watch...

Weekend in Science & Science Fiction

First, on Sunday evening around 7:50 EDT, NASA and JPL hope to repeat their incredible success with the twin Rovers land the Phoenix on Mars, near the pole.


Then, on Memorial Day, A&E will premiere a new version of the classic Michael Crichton novel The Andromeda Strain Memorial Day at 9:00 PM. I hope it is true to the book (as was the original 70's movie, which I very much enjoyed). From the online preview it does look like it follows the book. And--bonus! --Daniel Dae Kim is one of the starring scientists!

Disappointment

Well, my meeting with the old friend from 10 years ago was cancelled because of press schedules. But I've been told I'll get to go up there sometime soon.

So much to do this weekend! Taxes, work on the writing project... But there is some fun planned for Sunday. I'm looking forward to that.

From the past...

There's a guy I used to work with (and drink with) like 10 years ago; we were friends, and I had a little bit of a crush on him. He's half-Japanese (surprise) and had that unusual handsome look that half-asians sometimes have. He also did a hilarious 'Mr Burns' voice from Simpsons. As far as I know he's str8, though I always had my suspicions

Well I'm going to a press check this afternoon where he works now. I haven't seen him in over a decade. I've talked to him on the phone a couple of times, and I'm told by a mutual friend who sees him all the time that he looks just the same. She also says he asks about me. Still, I'm kind of nervous about this.

My new spin class went okay last night; not so many people, but it is just starting up. And whew, I had forgotten how crazy that club is on a weeknight, especially early in the week. There were a ton of cute 20 and 30-something Asian guys, all in nice shape, of just about every variation in appearance. I kept getting distracted because at this club, the back of the spin room is glass, and I can see right through to the free weights area.

I woke up this morning and had a half hour to just lie in bed and dose and enjoy that nice warm feeling...

Sleepy

I just want to lie in bed, sip water and fade in and out while the Mythbusters marathon flickers across the TV.

No I'm not sick, or even hung over. I'm just tired. For no good reason, I've been up past midnight the last couple of nights (1 am on Saturday!) and for a guy who goes to bed at 9, it's a little discombobulating. the weather is being bizarre too. Just an hour or so it was 73° F, mostly sunny and breezy. I went grocery shopping with the windows down and sunroof open, yay! But the temp is falling and the cloud are rolling in. It will only be in the 40's tomorrow.

Anyway, I need to get back to work, so I have a nice cup of coffee here, along with a third tall glass of cool lemon water to get me going.

Oh and one more note, about Stargate hotties: Netan of the Lucian Allianace (played by part-Korean Eric D. Steinberg), and of course Ronan Dex (who cleans up real nice as Jason Momoa the model and former Baywatch Hawaii babe)

Ok back to work.

Brr! At 3:45 the temperature is now 56°F and it's raining. Quite a change

Happy New Year

Happy Lunar New Year everyone! It's the year of the rat...

Political Experience

Fareed Zakaria of Newsweek has a similar take on Hillary vs. Barack to mine, but in his mind it's more of a negative that she has more experience working in a more conservative world.

There was an article in the Washington Post today about how one little word changed not only Virginia's but the country's political landscape. When George Allen showed his true racist colors and called a young southeast asian man 'Macaca' he ruined his political career. It was soon all over the internet and old-guard media. He lost the U.S. Senate race to a Democrat, and any hopes for a presidential run were over. Hah! I always knew he was an ass.

And finally on a lighter note, my favorite CNN anchor Don L., (see older pic at left; sorry couldn't find one with him in his polo) yesterday afternoon reporting from a diner in a polo shirt. He looked so cute. Though I do think he's putting on some weight...

Later on CNN for the primary reporting, god that Wolf Blitzer gets annoying the way he repeats everything over and over...

Shopping Spree

I've been on a kind of an inexplicable shopping spree the last few weeks. Not a huge spree (maybe a few hundred dollars) but usually I'm pretty frugal. I bought a bunch of movies from Amazon, including Ethan Mao (which will probably just make me depressed) and a couple of Gaysian romantic comedies (who knew there were more?). I also bought some clothes from Old Navy, And a few other miscellaneous things online.

Work this morning was a bit stressful. The UPS on the file server died so I had to reboot the whole network, and the print server was acting up, and when I restarted it, it took forever to come back up. A bit scary; I was sweatting it. I think it's time to set up a full mirror backup for that little beast.

Heads up

Secret Diary entry!

Meanwhile, I'm watching Joseph and Tommy do their fabulous interpretation of Deborah Cox's Easy As Life. Silly me. Joseph (the bald one) is the better dancer, but Tommy is so darn cute....

All I have to do is pretend I never knew you
On those very rare occasions
When you steal in to my heart
Better to have lost you
When the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start
It's easy as life

I try to forget how much I want him here
Let my dreams slowly disappear
I cannot forget, let my emotions die
Oh I, I don't want to try

Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

It hurts to think about you, when I wanna touch you
And how we would've been if you were here with me today
Oh, those very rare occasions
They keep on coming
All I ever wanted
I'm throwing it away

Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

Now I'm watching this great (Big Red's) remix of Savage Garden's To The Moon and Back. Somehow Darren looks great even speeded up.

My Weekend

It started out looking like a disaster, but turned out not so bad.

I got home from work and the heat wasn't working. Not the first time, but this time I was really afraid the heat pump had died and I was looking at an expense of thousands and days of work missed. I called the company that had installed the air handler a few years ago, but since it was 2 minutes after 5 pm, no one answered. I called another company randomly from the yellow pages who could send out a guy on Saturday for no extra charges. Still fearing the worst, I turned on a heater and went to bed.

So Saturday afternoon the guy showed up. Hottest. Repair. Guy. EVER. He was like mid-20's, blond, blue eyes, great body, baseball cap, very polite and smart (a friend speculated maybe he was ex-military). Turned out the people who had installed the air handler had used wire caps that had melted. He replaced them and had it fixed in an hour. I was sorry to see him go.

So after that big sigh of relief I got a lot of work done, went to bed, got up early and did a bit more work before Sunday spin. Then did some more Sunday afternoon, faced a mob at the grocery...

Sunday night I decided to watch An Inconvenient Truth. I got about halfway through it and was kinda bored. So what did I do? I put in Under One Roof. Why do I punish myself with this goofy, amateurish, silly Gaysian romantic comedy? Who knows. I blame the wine. Afterwards I got online and chatted with J. then went to bed.

This morning on the Metro I stood next to a kinda cute young Asian guy in a suit with diamonds in his ears and a funky jade bracelet. He wouldn't make eye contact, but maybe it was my dark sunglasses. I was too timid to take them off.

And so another week begins...

Social

So I was actually a little it social on Saturday nite.

I went over to V.'s, (I haven't seen him in, like, a year or more I think) we went out for burgers (wow there are a lot of restaurants all around Ballston now), then we went back and watched 300. It was good I guess, lots of abs and blood mostly.

After Spin on Sunday morning in the locker room I saw as usual this little cute Asian and middle-aged boyfriend who always show up for the yoga class right after. He and I usually make eye contact at least once, but this time he busted me a couple of times. He's hard to read though; he doesn't look annoyed, and I catch him looking at me sometimes. Wonder what's up with that. Where's my cute little Asian boyfriend?