For my friend John

A letter to my friend, who took his own life.

My friend John. Why? Though I know I have depression and I have been in that black place where it seems hopeless and you don't want to even reach out for help, still I am so sad. You were my friend when others were not. Our shithead boss even teased you about being gay because you hung out with the gay guy and you told him to fuck off. We had many fun drunk nights after work, goldschlager shots, ugh--your fault! And I think sometimes you dressed on those weekend outings to impress my sense of style if nothing else. You did, but you were so handsome, and I don't think you knew it inside or out, you were such a handsome young man, and such a kind person. When I got laid off at ALG, and I was sick, you drove me in to pick up my junk, that was a true friend. And tragically, we talked about that gun. I said I wanted to buy it, in case I wanted to do myself in, and you said you'd never sell it to me if you thought I would use it for that. John I was touched but now, damn it why not apply that to yourself. You were so smart and so kind, and (to be superficial) so handsome, and we have lost you.

I had to tell freakin Nani about what you did, and she was so angry, John, but she was not surprised, which made me upset that she suspected but did not act. She would not even let me hug her, she beat me and yelled things trying to explain why you should not have done it but I could tell she was somehow not surprised. Damn John. I wish I could have known.

I was so happy to see you at Westland after so long, it was like old times, but I felt shy about contacting you. You straight, me gay, even after all our nights of drinking, it was kind of awkward.

God I wish you had called me, we could have talked about how lonely depression is, and we maybe could have gotten you past it. So many people loved you and cared for you. I know if you had depression like me it does not feel that way, and you just want the pain to go away. But the feeling does pass. I wish I could have pulled that gun away from you John, damn I'd do anything to have been there to stop you.

So this is what helpless feels like, A month after you kill yourself and I still think about it every day and wish I had called after we met up again. What could I have done to make you feel less lonely? Had I known I would of course have broken down your door. But you're gone. All that is John and his little smile, his little chuckle, his Mr Burns Impression, is gone.

I think this is the worst guilt I will ever feel, deserved or not.

More Whining and Ranting

I know, it does seem like all I do is complain lately. I guess I'm just in a bitchy mood. Verizon phone customer service sucks (nothing new, remember when they cut the cable so I was without phone or internet for a week, and I kept calling and they kept saying I didn't have a problem?). So anyway, I noticed on my bill the last couple of months that they were charging me $2.00 a month for Verizon Long Distance. I never make long distance calls, so apparently they decided to start charging me for the privilege of having the service even though I didn't use it. I decided to call them and cancel it (in an emergency, I could always use my cell phone). I called. I went into the hold queue. I was cut off! I called again. I waited through 15 minutes of 'unusually high call volume' before running out of patience. I navigated their web site for several minutes before finding an email address. I emailed saying I wanted the service stopped. They said they would get back to me in a day. Three days later I got a reply explaining the service. I emailed BACK and said (again) I wanted it cancelled. They emailed BACK and asked me to call 'for the best service.' I emailed back again and said I'd rather do it through email, and explained my negative phone experience. Finally they sent me an email back saying they would stop the service.

Conversely, Comcast has relatively responsive customer service, but they have other problems. According to this Washington Post article, Comcast cuts off internet users who they consider 'abusive.'

Comcast has punished some transgressors by cutting off their Internet service, arguing that excessive downloaders hog Internet capacity and slow down the network for other customers. The company declines to reveal its download limits.

"You have no way of knowing how much is too much," said Sandra Spalletta of Rockville, whose Internet service was suspended in March after Comcast sent her a letter warning that she and her teenage son were using too much bandwidth. They cut back on downloads but were still disconnected. She said the company would not tell her how to monitor their bandwidth use in order to comply with the limits.

That's the advantage of DSL over Cable: your speed is dedicated to you and no one else. Verizon doesn't care if you set up a network in your home with ten computers, because your bandwidth is dedicated. Comcast used to not even want you to have a network because (as I understand it) the bandwidth is shared in a neighborhood group. So you might get higher spped than DSL at some times, but if everyone in your cluster is downloading movies, it could slow to a crawl.

I do have to say that Verizon internet customer service has always been okay, and I am tempted to try their fiber optic service... but who knows how that could get screwed up.

On a completely different topic... maybe I'm mistaken regarding men's fashion (someone please correct me), but aren't brown shoes with a blue/grey/black suit a no-no? I keep seeing guys with grey suits and brown shoes! And lately I notice guys who are otherwise nicely dressed but then their brown shoes are horribly owrn and scuffed up. Hey, get some polish!

It reminded me of Mysterious Asian Man from way back. I wonder what he's up to now...

Waiting

I finally got confirmation about my bonus yesterday: about a week's pay, not too shabby. That's especially considering that I've never gotten a random bonus ever in my working career. Sure I have gotten a few year-end bonuses, but I actually don't even remember them being as big as this one. And when I thanked my manager, he said "No, thank you, you've been a real asset." Whew, quite a change from the last production job where I was treated like I was overpaid and not showing initiative, and the last job where the owner never really told me anything about my performance till I told him I was quitting.

Of course, this bonus will just about cover my tax bill this year. But best not to think about it that way.

Meanwhile, my phone and internet are still not fixed. Last night I made a request online for a return visit this morning, just for kicks. I called to prod them this morning, and to make sure that the technician had actually made a report about the situation (which he did). She said someone was supposed to be out there today, and I said I made that request, and would someone have been out there if I hadn't. She said someone was scheduled to be there (not answering my question; I love how their voices go cold when they start to get annoyed with you). Then I asked if I would be contacted when it was fixed and she said yes. We'll see.

When this is all said and done (hopefully soon), I am writing a real letter to them and asking for a credit for my lost service.

It's a Phone! It's a Camera!

It's a crappy camera!

I've come to the realization that I use my RAZR phone more as a camera than as a phone. I knew that would probably be the case going in (me being a phone hater and all), but I didn't realize what a crappy camera it would be, and that's set at maximum quality. And when you zoom, the picture size just gets smaller... wtf (see above)? As a phone actually it works just fine: I get a good signal just about everywhere. I used it a fair amount during the dark time as a Mac Consultant, but now it's back to languishing.

But come June, will I want an iPhone? I was pleased to see that Verizon claimed that Apple offered to let them be the service provider, but Apple put too many restrictions on them. Hah! I like that Apple wants to control the experience. If the iPhone came with a flat monthly fee of like $80, and unlimited internet, text messaging, and a decent number of minutes (I have thousands of rolled-over minutes, want some?) I think I'd get it.

The camera has to be better than the RAZR's