I wonder if hypnotherapy works as well as they portray it on 'X-Files' or even 'Criminal Minds.' On one level I think it is kind of hokum (I have allowed myself to be hypnotized, but not by a professional in a clinical environment), but I can see how it might lower some barriers. I'd be interested in trying it in a controlled environment.

Lost in Charlottesville

Another disturbing dream. I was visiting Charlottesville with my mother and sister (as if that wasn't disturbing enough). Staying at a big old manor house paper bag with half-eaten sandwich Parked car at either old dorm room (now destroyed) or a new condo, sort of at Ashtree Went to Scott Stadium area, then to a huge multilevel indoor mall. It kept getting later and I did not know where my car was, not sure where the house was, and kept getting turned around. Asking people where Rigby Road was, though I really needed to be near JPA, in the dream. Twisting escalator. Finally got on a bus as it started to rain, carrying all these strange characters around. No phone.

Old School

I know for a lot of people, blogging has become sort of old school, like younger people think email is ancient and slow. But I only text with a few people, and FB posts are too public, while FB messages are ignored. I also wanted to go back to part of the reason I started this, as a diary. I doubt there are any other readers left, but that's fine. This is mostly for me. But of course if you do read and want to comment, more power to you.

Still just freelancing, looking but feeling pretty adrift as far as what I really want to do. I had my dream job in my 20's writing and designing fantasy and science fiction worlds, getting published, having fans. I am still doing it, but not with the same energy I once had. My last job was certainly fun in its way, with a lot of different challenges, but working for a small design firm has its dangers as well. And then I got the double hit of basically being fired from Spin instructing because they wanted someone younger, and my friend shooting himself in the head. For someone who had already basically had a breakdown in my 20's, then major depressive episodes in my 30's and 40's, the triple whammy as you can imagine has been really hard to deal with. And I am trying drugs again, and I just don't feel like they are working. Other people seen to swear by SSRI's but they just seem to make me gain weight ( though to be fair, going from 4 spinning classes a week to one, to none, did not help my weight or my mood.)

Yup

Yeah this is totally me.

More on meds

Was really jittery on Monday, my knees were bouncing up and down uncontrollably. Went to 5mg yesterday and doing better. Not too pleased about another side effect though.

The big kiss on Glee last night was cute, though the setup for it seemed so silly. I suppose it's not fair to compare them to Riley and Zane on Degrassi because that show is an actual, somewhat realistic, drama (and made in much more open-minded Canada), while Glee makes no pretense at being realistic. Still, for FOX, that was a pretty good gay kiss.

Meds

Had some food, feeling a bit less ready to punch something aka Riley. (Yes I did have an anger stage and I put my fist through a wall once, many years ago.) I am just glad Riley controlled his anger and never took it out on the most perfect boyfriend ever, Zane

Out of Sorts

Back from the gym, first Saturday in months. I feel like crap. I am hating the meds right now. I am hoping the lexapro side effects will settle down; I don't remember it affecting me this way before. Next week I'm going to Yoga like Riley; maybe it will help me because at the moment I'm having anger issues too.

A New start?

Went to a new Dr today (well technically, yesterday, Friday). Finally a gay therapist, and psychiatrist, and he seems really cool. He even knows my regular Dr. and he knows about DC Frontrunners. Somewhat ironically, I got referred to him by Randy (still not sure if their relationship is social or professional). He's not cheap but the insurance is paying most of it for now. I was sort of surprised how much I just spilled everything right in the first session. I was also surprised what seemed to get a reaction from him and what didn't. He was very supportive of me not wanting to deal with a certain organization that talked about a 'higher power' but was really talking about 'god' and was always about prayer. "You're not the only one who has a problem with that'. He didn't seem bothered at all about my Zane/Riley Degrassi obsession, though I got the feeling there would be a lot more talk about it. He seemed surprisingly not that interested in my guilt about John; has he already figured it's partly just some kind of transference from something much older? Looking back, I even surprised myself how much I talked, compared to sessions with other therapists years ago. I don't know if it's cause I am older and have done it for years, or eager for a fresh start, or finally a gay therapist I feel comfortable with (He's in the HRC building!) or some combination, but I feel good about this.

JKL

Since my last post inspired more comments than any in recent memory, I thought I'd go ahead and post a more provocative picture of my current crush. Wow is he dreamy or what?

Oh, and I got my nipple pierced today, Randy talked me into it. What can I say, I am weak. I have had my ear pierced 2x but this hurt a bit more. I took the opportunity to badger him about the Mormons and prop 8., At least he admitted that he voted for Obama, so there is hope for him.

Spin Torture

Still have R. on my mind, which is a bad thing. Meanwhile I need to decide if I want to take on another spin class. It's Monday nights at 7:30. In a way it would be good to get me out of the house in the evening, and it's late enough that it's unlikely to interfere with work. The extra money and a class 'cushion' wouldn't hurt either, since you need a minimum of 3 a week to keep a free membership, and this would bring me up to 4. Decisions, decisions.

I got in bed last night at 8, thinking I would do a little reading, and boom I was out cold within a few minutes. So I slept 10 hours. Guess I'm still recovering. I do still have a bit of a lingering nasty wet cough.

Blah

Where does the weekend go? Actually I did get some stuff done, some scanning and miscellaneous other junk. I even made it to work out Sunday afternoon--I needed to get out for awhile. Saturday, though around 3 pm I was hit by a real bad bout of depression. I'm sure R calling had something to do with it. I posted something in the Secret Diary. Anyway, I was in such a bad state that there was nothing for it but to crawl in bed and pull the covers up, so I did.

Five Friday Things

It's Friday, so time for Five Random things:

1. I meant to blog this way back when it first appeared on NPR, but I forgot. Today's religious holiday brought it back. It's a story about how Huckabee used all these bible fable references in his speeches, and how few supposedly religious people had any idea what he was talking about. THey asked all these people on the street who identified as pretty serious christians, and most of them could not identify his bible references. Ironically, atheist me knew them all (though I was shaky on the widow's mite one). What does that tell us about these evangelicals?

2. On Colbert Report the other night, he exposed some McCain hypocricy. He played the infamous clip of Falwell after 9/11 blaming it on the abortionists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU, etc., and Falwell agreed. McCain, back in 2000:

Speaking with reporters aboard his bus, the "Straight Talk Express," after his loss in three state primary elections, McCain referred to Baptist evangelists Pat Robertson and the Rev. Jerry Falwell as "evil." At an earlier speech in Virginia Beach he dubbed the same men "agents of intolerance."

Then in 2006,

McCain gave the commencement address at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University. During his 2000 presidential bid, McCain called the Fundamentalist Baptist pastor, Falwell, an “agent of intolerance.” With significant coverage during the campaign, McCain said that he would never back down from his earlier statement. His later appearance at Liberty University prompted questions about the McCain-Falwell relationship and a possible presidential run in 2008. McCain stated that Falwell is no longer that divisive figure and the two have discussed their shared values.

Right.

3. I'm feeling much better, though still kind of tired. I'm actually excited that Sunday is Easter. Not because of the whole undead thing, but because my spin class is cancelled. I'll probably go in a work out anyway though.

4. With gas prices spiking, have I mentioned lately how I so do not miss the Mac consulting job with all the driving (not the least of which the really stressful 40 min each way commute through stop-n-go traffic that I did not get reimbursed for)?

5. I've started doing the layout for my latest book! I love doing layout, and I'm learning new InDesign stuff as I go.

Friday Miscellany

It's been kind of a long week, though not a bad one. Some highlights:

• I put in a few hours of OT, but really it's been pretty painless. (and we get time off here!)


• I ran into a co-worker from my previous job, and things have gone from bad to worse there: there's a new horrid manager, there's a lot more work, the IT guy I liked quit and management screwed him over for his vacation. I'm SO glad I'm here now!


• For the first time in ages I watched American Idol (the Boys' night). David Archuleta is a cutie-pie. I had a little too much wine though, ouch.


• I've been getting better about doing weights (and I saw that cutie SAT* for the first time in months. I need to remember to pack my little workout book so I can keep better track of how much weight I'm doing.


• I've been making pretty good progress on my writing project, though I really want to finish it this weekend. I challenge myself!


• There was an interesting topic on the The Diane Rehm Show (Public Radio talk) about a recent study that seemed to show that antidepressants were barely more effective than a placebo for people with mild to moderate depression. All I know is that exercise is working better for me than any of the drugs I tried. If I miss a couple of days of cardio, I get really cranky, irritable and down.


• I had another crazy dream Wednesday night about being late for spin class Thursday morning. I was living at the little seedy house on Stratford Court in Charlottesville and there were like 10 people there with me, and I was trying to get Billy to drive me to class... wild.

*Slutty Asian Twink, my nickname for him, though I don't know if he really is slutty, and he's maybe 30, a bit too old for a twink, but he dresses really provocatively (he does have a great body though).

Anniversary Agoraphobia 10 years

December.

It was either 10 or 11 years ago (10 I think; I could check the mortgage but I am too lazy) that I bought this condo. The 31st was the closing date. I was so excited. I even got a ladder and painted the vaulted ceilings in the living room with the skylights.

Somewhere I lost a little enthusuasm: I never did finish the kitchen, and I've repainted the bathroom twice. But more bizzarely, I remember when I first moved in to this top floor, southwest-facing 2-bedroom unit from my 'english (aka dark) basement' in DC. how bright it was. There were blinds on the windows, but the windows in the bedroom in particular were huge. For some reason I was reminded of this today when I really raised the blackout shade and the asian rollup behind it. The room was so... exposed. Anyway, I still owe a deep debt to V. (who may or may not still check in here) because when I moved here I kind of lost it. It was too much; I felt too exposed, and I could not sleep here. He lived about a half-mile away at Courthouse and I would sleep there in his bed (we were just friends then), get up before parking regs went into effect, drive home, walk my poor confused dog, and go to work. I think this went on for weeks before I could deal with the new bright place. Now the shades are still mostly down, but I like walking in the sun, and I miss my early walks with my dog after I got used to living there. There's a small part of me that misses the 'sleepovers' too, though I still don't fully understand that.