Alone

One of the most poignant scenes in Under One Roof for me was where Daniel's mother voices her fear that her son will 'end up alone.' And, drawn in to the movie as I was at the moment I thought 'Oh no, poor Daniel, I hope he is never alone, he is too sweet and cute and caring to be alone...' (etc., blah blah).

No one wants to be alone. Even I, who values my alone time so much, sometimes crave companionship. Last Sunday morning just sitting on the couch with Jake and reading the paper, having coffee, and sharing my guilty cartoon pleasure (Xiaolin Showdown) was probably the most fun on an emotional level that I've had in awhile. And I don't even know Jake all that well (he's a sweet guy that I spent Saturday with at the museums, who was a friend of Steven's who was coming down for the weekend and was allergic to Steven's cat, and we had IM'ed for a few weeks...) but we had become friends through IMs over the weeks before, and the long day together Saturday.

ANYWAY, I rarely let anyone into my personal domain of my home. So I felt a little vulnerable but I think we got along ok. So it was nice having him over, and fun to just lounge around Sunday morning. It made me wish for a boyfriend who I could just lounge around with on the sofa in front of the big tv like that every Sunday morning, read the Post, watch tv...

The truth is that most of us are alone. In many ways, we are all alone, even when we are with someone, we hide things and build walls and shields. The relationships we see in movies (straight and gay) are often romanticized 'happily ever after' scenarios that bear no resemblance to reality. I'd give almost anything to be Winston Chao's husband in the Wedding Banquet or to be the tenant Under One Roof.

I moved to DC 14 years ago hoping to find 'mister right,' and the best I have done is a one-year relationship that really was pretty hollow within a couple of months. Hence my yearning to move back to Charlottesville, a beautiful town that at least offers a peace of mind that I don't have here.

I ditched a job I hate for a job that stresses me in other ways. I need to figure out what the hell I am doing, because I am not getting any younger. I am alone, and not always because I want to be.

Part of me still wants to pack it up and 'go west.' San Francisco is like a like a dream to me. Even the street names and neighborhoods sound magical for some reason. Embarcadaro, Folsom, Haight-Ashbury, Castro, Dolores Park, Golden Gate Park, Twin Peaks, Potrero, I have walked all over downtown, and been there in every season and it is like a mystical city to me since I was first there (cough) 20 years ago.

Ah, well.