So, we have this so-called sniper in the DC area. Really he's some kind of cowardly psycho with a rifle, but hey.

I'm not sure how much the actual 'sniper' has affected my mood, though I think the situation has triggered even more pondering of things on my part. When I'm walking around knowing that at any moment I could be dead (or worse, mangled like the poor 13 year-old boy) I think about what being dead would be like. It's one of those concepts like 'the edge of the universe' or time as the 4th dimension: you just can't quite get your mind around it. Since all we have to go by in perceiving and understanding our environment (and ourselves) is our own mind, ("I think, therefore I am") when we die the brain dies and so (I believe) does our consciousness. The complex neuronic cascades stop, the memories vanish. It's just like what happens to the RAM in your computer when you shut it off: no power to the chips, the information is lost. But because we can only live our lives in the 1st person, it's difficult to conceive of the world going on without us.

And so we have religion... a whole lot of different religions, often with contradictory beliefs. And we also get con men like John Edward. I wonder how many ministers and priests and Osamas and palm readers really believe this crap, or they just enjoy the power and the con.

I wonder if this has anything to do with me feeling sorry for the cute little Mac Plus icon (he sits in the lower right corner of my screen when I have a MS Office app open) when I don't give him something to do and he looks bored or sleepy or just attentive and eager to be helpful. Sometimes I ask him a question, just so he doesn't get lonely. How lame is that?

He gets resurrected every time I open Word, happy and perky as always. But he's stored on the hard drive.

I just could not love Jonno any more (okay, I love Jonno's blog, since I really don't know Jonno at all aside from that and an email or two).

In his post from 10-8 at 11:45, he references an article from the Stranger a weekly newspaper in Seattle that two old friends of mine from Iron Crown (Will Hyde and Jonnie Eddy) founded back in the 90's. The Stranger was where Dan Savage got his start. And to think I passed up the chance to meet Dan back then!

Eeek! We will be assimilated!

Argh. More little computer annoyances sucking up my time. The newest version of the Mac OS (10.2, aka Jaguar) supposedly allows you to set up an airport network without the base station, just a card in each computer, which would allow me to share my DSL connection on my cube with my iBook. Well, after a few hours of struggling and making a little progress here and there, it still doesn't work! so now I'm irritated. I did get an email back from Jonno commiserating about upgrading our cubes though; that was kinda cool. :-)

I'm sorry, but this is just silly to me. That these guys can just 'declare' that the old woman performed a miracle. Give me a break.

It's about as realistic as this.

Digimon Tamers!

Ohh, those sleazy Gateway people! Cheating on their tests against the iMac.

If you must buy a PC, get a Dell. At least their pitch-man is cute.

Somehow, I think we deserve this. And anyway, could we do any worse than Bush (who is out for blood now, apparently).

"Can You Forgive Her?"

Another night with open eyes
Too late to sleep, too soon to rise
You're short of breath, is it a heart attack?
Hot and feverish you face the fact

You're in love, and it feels like shame
Because she's gone and made a fool of you in public again
You're in love, and it feels like pain
Because you know there's too much truth in everything she claims

So ask yourself now: Can you forgive her
If she wants you to?
Ask yourself: Can you even deliver
What she demands of you?

You drift into the strangest dreams
Of youthful follies and changing teams
Admit you're wrong, oh, no, not yet
Then you wake up and remember that you can't forget

She's made you some kind of laughing stock
Because you dance to disco, and you don't like rock
She'd make fun of you, and even in bed
Said she was gonna go and get herself a real man instead

So ask yourself now: Can you forgive her
If she begs you to?
Ask yourself: Can you even deliver
What she demands of you?
Or do you want revenge?
But that's childish, so childish!
(But that's childish, so childish!)

Remember when you were more easily led
Behind the cricket pavilion and the bicycle shed
Trembling as your dreams came true
You looked right into those blue eyes and knew

It was love, and now you can't pretend
You've forgotten all the promises of that first friend
It's bad enough, she knows how you feel
But she's not prepared to share you with the memory

So ask yourself now: Can you forgive her
If she begs you to?
Ask yourself: Can you even deliver
What she demands of you?
Ask yourself now: Can you forgive her
If she begs you to?
And ask yourself: Can you even deliver
What she demands of you?
Or do you want revenge?
But that's childish, so childish! You could do anything...

--Pet Shop Boys, Very

More critique of Lucas' universe. This guy is hilarious!

Interesting commentary by SF author David Brin about Star Wars. Read the earlier Salon articles (links are there) for his insightful comments on SW vs Star Trek.

I'm hoping to get more serious about my workouts and diet, starting yesterday.

Yay! jonno is back!

For reasons I can't explain, after catching it on Fox at the gym a few times, I got caught up in the serialized cartoon Digimon. There's surprisingly little about it on the web though; maybe Bandai is quashing fan sites. The cartoon is a shameless promotion device for some sort of card game, but it's still surprisingly compelling... for a kiddie show. But I also tend to find things compelling that most people do not.

On the eve of 9/11, let's try to not get overwhelmed. This might help.

Wiley did it again!

Walking to the Rosslyn Metro Station just over the river from DC, I didn't see any of the rumored Hummers with stinger missiles, though just about every damn building in the area had a big flag hanging off it. In the center of the station there was something new: a strange device that looked like a transport inhibitor out of Star Trek, but I suspect was in fact some sort of chemical sensor.

The ride, which takes me under the Potomac River to the Farragut West Station a few blocks north of the White House went without event, though I can't help thinking that a smart move by the terrorists would be to bomb the tunnel and cut off access to north Arlington.

Downtown now, still not much different except a lot of helicopter activity. We'll see how things go.

This comic is just the best. Brilliant on so many levels.

For some reason I can't explain, this tragic accident has upset me more than the whole 9/11 thing. Maybe because there is a face to the two boys who died (there were pictures in the print edition of the Post, they were both kind of goofy boys, never got into trouble, both on the swim team.) Maybe because it seemed like just a stupid accident. It wasn't even their fault: they were stopped at a red light when the dump truck slammed into them.

I know 9/11 is a terrible tragedy, and maybe I just can't connect to it. I could see the smoke from the Pentagon from my front door, and I drive right by it at least once a month, but still it's unreal. Watching those people on the WTC jumping... it's just too bizarre. All I could really muster was a strange fascination with how the planes hit the buildings and exactly how they collapsed. But maybe that's the architect in me.

THIS is why I'm always leery of upgrades. I felt I was finally ready to take the plunge and go from OS 9.1 to OS X on my cube at home. I waited for OS 10.2, which has been widely hailed as fabulous. I bought a new external 40gig hard drive to install it on, so that if something terrible happened my original drive would be unscathed. Then I learned that I needed to do a 'firmware update' before installing OS X. What exactly is firmware, anyway? Whatever it is, it is part of the startup process, and in performs a diagnostic on the computer RAM (memory). Well, guess what! My two 256meg RAM boards turned out to be 'out of spec' by the new stringent Apple standards. I went from 576 megs of RAM to 64 (the one board the cube came with). Suddenly I was barely able to boot up the system, much less run an app!

Needless to say, I was vexed. Fortunately, I had another 256 mb board from a different vendor that I had never gotten around to installing. The Cube likes that one. And after an initial phone call (requisite 1/2 hour on hold) it seems like ClubMac is going to replace the other boards, since they are technically defective. But still.

Two seemingly -- but not really -- unrelated quotes (or as close as I can remember them).

The first was from a policeman working on the Columbine High School case and trying to understand why Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold violently retaliated against their bullying classmates. He said that most kids are 'weeds,' in that they are resilient and are able to handle a certain amount of abuse, parental neglect, etc., and still turn out fine; but some kids are just by nature orchids: emotionally fragile and unable to cope with the emotional or physical pummeling that high school can be, especially without a family support structure. Apparently the only support these boys had was each other.

The second comes from an interesting show on The Learning Channel called Teen Species. (You can still catch the repeats, it's quite interesting.) I don't remember if it was the 'Boys' episode or the 'Almost Grown' one, but they were talking about teens committing crime, and a phsychologist was saying that rebellion was normal, and only a tiny percentage of teens did not commit some crime or another. Then she added that those who didn't break any laws did not become shining examples of mental health. Guess how many crimes I committed? ;-P

Ooof! Poor Lance Bass, skewered again. But deep down, I'm jealous. I'd go, if I had 20 million lying around in a kitchen drawer.

I even had 2 years of Russian in high school.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised about the Record breaking Jaguar sales since I was one of the geeks at the Apple Store waiting in line for an hour.

This morning's listening: Morley, Thomas: Shakespeare's Musick: Can She Excuse
Musicians of the Globe, Philip Pickett (director) [Philips 446.687]

It made me think of one of my favorite movies: A Man For All Seasons

Grrr.

Just got a letter saying that my cable company is changing the way the premier channels (HBO, etc) are scrambled, and now those little things that go in the cable aren't enough; I have to have a scrambler box. �THEN they generously said that they wouldn't even CHARGE us for the box for a whole 6 months.

Right now I have some package with HBO, TMC and Cinemax, but I never watch anything but 6FU and sometimes Sex and the City on HBO, rarely part of a movie if I'm bored.

I'm tempted to just call and cancel all of the premiere; I REALLY don't want to try to figure out how to work the box with the TiVo (there's some special attachment that you stick on the front of the box so TiVo can make it change channels, but it's a big pain). If we were allowed to put up dishes I'd get satellite.

The other alternative is to put the box on my other tv in the living room (I only use it for watching DVDs and tapes these days, I watch all my programs on the TV in the bedroom with the TiVo. �Sigh. �It just pisses me off when the Cable company starts making changes when it's for their convenience.

And of course they want everyone to switch to their 'digital' cable with 2million channels. Of course you have to have a box with that. When they called once trying to sell that to me, I told them I didn't want it because I had a TiVo and didn't want to deal with their converter box, she hung up on me! I should have called back and complained.

When Worlds Collide

Went with Vince last night to this thing at the Apple Store here in Clarendon: they were releasing an upgrade to OS X and making a big deal out of it with an 'event' from 10:20 PM till midnight. The line when we got there at 10 was a block long, by the time they opened the doors it was 2 blocks long. Bizarre, since there wasn't anything really going on except 10% off everything (and that wasn't advertized in advance) and free t-shirts. But while we were waiting, Jim (without his ex, Steve), Keaven and his BF John show up. I explained to Vince that they were my gay gamer friends and he was shocked. "I thought all gamers were fat and greasy with coke-bottle glasses." I explained that that was only the STRAIGHT ones (and truth be told, not nearly all of them either; that group is a stereotype minority). Then Vince wanted to know if I had slept with any of them. Such a slut.

Anyway it was kind of funny to spot the gay people in the crowd. And of course I bought the upgrade.

I guess if he can't have the Arctic Preserve, Bush will settle for a logging travesty. He makes my blood boil. Cheney's oil-drenched hands are probably really at work here, since Bush doesn't have 2 good brain cells to rub together. Cheney is the one who really scares me.

Though his blog can sometimes get a little maudlin or sappy about his wife and stepkids, once again I find myself agreeing completely with Wil Wheaton. Check out his August 22 entry. As an author with several published works, I nevertheless feel the same as he does: The copyright nazis are out of control.

And in the 'Freaky' department, Michael Jackson has another kid. The article tells it as well as I could.

Ick.

I can't believe that Ashcroft wants to create camps to imprison people who he thinks are enemies of the state. I thought it was a joke. This man must be stopped.

Hah! Not one, but two psychiatrists acted like they thought I was imagining things when I told them that Zoloft was thinning my blood.

I may be depressed, but I'm not crazy.

A busy weekend (at least for me).

Went out Friday (to the amazement of my co-worker Chris, who I think had just about given up on me going out). Though I probably won't be doing it again soon. I had ulterior motives.

Saturday was pretty much a lost day of catching up on TiVo'ed shows. Sunday I took Vince out for a driving lesson (who buys a Porsche Boxster when they can't drive a stick shift? Vince.) It was fun driving it I guess, but I really don't get the whole sports-car thing. I like my mini SUV, thanks.

Also Sunday saw Signs. It was a fun thrill (and gave me scary dreams), though numerous plot flaws. And I have no idea what it is about him, but I just love Joaquin Phoenix He's not that handsome, he doesn't have a great body, but he has... something. Maybe it's the eyes. I loved him as the emperor in Gladiator too. Totally different roles, needless to say.

I'm back from GenCon. Overall it was a fun experience, though not without a few cringes and looks of dumbfounded amazement on my part (long story... like 20 years long). I was bummed that Ted Raimi cancelled at the last minute, but Don Davis filled in. He plays General Hammond on Stargate and played Colonel Briggs on Twin Peaks. When I got his autograph (hell why not, there was almost no line) I mentioned that I loved Twin Peaks, and he said that he enjoyed doing it, and said he was heading to the annual Twin Peaks Festival at the Great Northern Hotel right after this, and waxed poetic about what a great director David Lynch was. Cool!

Here's a great Twin Peaks FAQ.

Snicker

And one more thing. Today is my 6th anniversary at this job (more or less, since 1 year ago my previous employer was bought by the current owners. It's pretty much been smooth sailing since then though, I must say.

It was 6 years ago last July 4th that everything fell apart. I vividly remember That day: Vince and I saw ID4, and i had terrible chills the entire movie. It was the onset of Hepatitis (the kind that incapacitates you for a month, but fortunately you get over it). Then I had the breakup fight with Supon. And then ALG (now bankrupt due to poor management -- hah hah!) laid off half the staff.

Including me.

While deathly ill.

A month earlier I had been promoted to Production Manager, and in the the bloodbath my sleazy boss eliminated my job and took it for himself. I hope he burns in alimony hell.

Sad, though hardly surprising to me.

Blah,
Blah,
Puff,
Puff.
Blah-Blah--SPLAT.

Surprisingly enough, given my thing for boybands, I ignored the early stages of the tv phenomenon known as American Idol. But, when I learned that one of the hosts was none other than long time idle speculation object Ryan Seacrest, I had to tune in. I must say he's become even more, uh, fey, than before, when I used to watch him Sunday mornings on the Sc-fi channel doing this c|net produced show about technology called The New Edge. Every show opened with Ryan strutting down this metal staircase wearing extremely tight and flattering sweaters... oh yeah and the gadgets were cool too. Apparently now the evil Simon taunts Ryan about wearing see-through shirts.

Thankfully, some things never change.

Wednesday I leave for GenCon. Hope I get a chance to see Ted Raimi. Better pack the camera...

Yahoo! News - Bush to Meet Rescued Miners, Give U.S. a Pep Talk What a cheap way to get some publicity. As if he had anything to do with their rescue.

So I've been officially diagnosed with Dysthymia. It pretty much matches the way I feel, as opposed to having a continual so-bad-I-can't-get-out-of-bed depression (though close sometimes).

After years of not really seeming to make any progress (and in fact I think, getting worse), I fired my therapist a few months ago. I also fired the psychiatrist who I'd been getting meds from for awhile. I wasn't as unhappy with her, though I was upset that she didn't warn me about the weight gain. I stopped taking the Zoloft she had me on, and we tried a few other things, but they didn't really help (I think the Zoloft did, some. But I wasn't willing to be fat. And there are other unpleasant side effects.) The trouble with antidepressants is that you never know how they will work, so it's all trial-and-error.

So after 7 months of just feeling blah, I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist (I had to find one who took my crappy insurance). He gave me the official diagnosis and a prescription for a low dose of Prozac, which I had never tried. But by the time I got home, I had pretty much decided I didn't want to go back on an antidepressant, and I really wasn't enthusiastic about seeing him again. He had also suggested I go back to my therapist, something I wasn't thrilled about.

So I'm in limbo now.

"Everything beautiful is slightly lopsided. There's a little hollow at the base of his throat that makes me want to pour honey all over him and lick it off."

Guy Bennett (Rupert Everett), musing about James Harcourt (Cary Elwes) to his friend Tommy Judd (Colin Firth) from the movie Another Country by Julian Mitchell, based on his play of the same name.

Iteresting tidbit about the play (from the link above): The stage version of Another Country provided many young British actors with their first major roles. In addition to Everett and Firth, Daniel Day-Lewis also played Guy Bennett, and Kenneth Branagh won the Society for West End Theater�s Most Promising Newcomer award as Tommy Judd.

I'm relieved that I've gotten my hotel situation for GenCon settled. Because the decision was kind of last minute (my fault; I volunteered as kind of a lark), the plan at first was two different hotels and two nights of sleeping on the floor. Ugh. But due to cancellations I'm now staying all 4 nights at the Hilton right across the street from the convention center. This grand old hotel (which used to be called something else but I can't for the life of me remember what) is where we stayed just about every year back in the good old days (i.e., the 80's). Can't wait!

Okay, this really creeps me out.


And this creeps me out in a completely different way.

I'm delighted that the miners were all rescued. But the continuing use of the word 'miracle' in association with it is really starting to get to me. Nine men were saved thanks to determined, hard-working rescuers who thought to pump in hot air to push the water down and warm the cave. If no action was taken and everyone just sat around and prayed for a 'miracle' those men would be dead right now.

It makes me so angry when I hear about 'miracles' and how god answered these peoples' prayers. Where was god when that plane crashed in Ukraine and killed 83 people? Oh, maybe he was busy with the miners, and the pope up in Toronto. Where was he on September 11? Oh that's right, he lifted the wall of protection on America because of us godless people, according to Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. I guess god only answers SOME peoples' prayers, but if he doesn't, it's just "god's will." My, isn't that convenient. Strange how it would be exactly the same result if there were no god... which of course, there isn't.

Argh.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately; actually waking up several times during the night, which I never used to do. It may be partly the weather: it has been so hot lately (100� today) that my A/C struggles to keep up and it creeps up into the mid-70's by evening. I also worry about my A/C unit, just fixed a few weeks ago, but it's in the attic, and for awhile there was a leak problem with the condensation drain. I have nightmares about it soaking the ceiling and the whole thing crashing down on me. Hey I have reason: it happened TWICE in my apt in DC. As a homeowner now, I'm a lot more concerned about these things.

Anyway, the point of this was that I was reminded of my childhood back in Bethel Park, where we had no air conditioning (ack!). On hot nights we would set up a couple of box fans in the hallway. I would end up sleeping on the floor in my doorway so I could feel the fan blow on me. The other night I set up my Vornado fan at the foot of my bed and turned around head-to-toe, so I could feel the air on my head. It felt kind of nice, though waking up upside-down is somewhat disconcerting, not to mention the tangle I always made of the sheets.

I'm going to GenCon! August 7-11. It's sad how excited I am, but I used to go almost every year back in the heyday of the old ICE when I worked there. I went a couple more times in the 90's representing Metropolis (for a little horror game we were doing), but it wasn't like the big old multibooth ICE events. This won't either, but I am looking forward to going back to Milwaukee. This is the last year they are having it there. And Ted Raimi (Joxer) is going to be there too!

And I'm flying on Midwest Express, direct from National Airport to Milwaukee. Great little airline: big seats, nice meals. I haven't flown in over a year, so it will be interesting.

Even though he hawks computers for the enemy, I think that the Dell Guy, Steven, is pretty hot -- in a smarmy sort of way (and I'm not the only one; he's apparently the object of many a gay man's fancy. See below.). The real human -- Ben Curtis -- is actually more interesting, though he apparently got himself into a
bit of trouble recently with the SAG. Oops!

Yes, I know I'm a geek. But stuff like this story about a new giant squid species is fascinating to me. Shades of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!

Oh brother, Big Brother.

Can you BELIEVE what a little worm Josh is? He actually CHEATED on the brownie house eating challenge by using his hands AND stuffing brownie in his jeans. I mean, did he not know that people could see him?

I am glad that Big Brother eliminated his weight, but they must have realized that his team would win anyway. They should have forfeited the game. THAT would have pissed some people off. It was bad enough last time when they lost the luau (sp?) challenge and he went in and cooked all the good food left in the kitchen out of spite. What a mean-spirited little man. I SO hope he gets the boot this week. It is fun seeing him sweat this week with his arch-enemy Marcellas as HoH. Heehee.

Been feeling kinda rotten again lately, I'll spare you the details. But this site that my sister found made me laugh. I can't believe they get away with this but I'm glad they do. (Shhh, don't tell Dubyah!)

Awww. Best friends!

I think someone needs to sit Dubyah down and make him watch this excellent episode of Star Trek:Next Generation. But then he's so thick you'd probably have to explain it to him afterwards.

I so agree with this guy.

I enjoyed his Nightwatch reference too, in the midst of being scared.

Now I know one reason I liked Donnie Darko.




Which Donnie Darko character are you? by Shay

A pretty thorough web site about my all-time favorite movie, Another Country.

Vince convinced me to come over and watch Donnie Darko at his place last night. What a bizarre movie. In some ways it was just plain whacked, but in others it was really very moving. It gave me nightmares... literally. I kept waking up and seeing Frank in my room.

"Time is the fire in which we burn"
-- Dr. Soren, Star Trek VII, Generations

Hah. Hah. Hah.
Tell me something I didn't know.

Geek-tech update: rebuilding the desktop was only a temporary AOL fix. But I did finally get a tech-support email from AOL, so maybe I'll try their suggestion (basically involves a reinstall; but there may have been a couple of parts lurking in the system that I missed the last time).

This week at work was fraught with glitches too: the Dell server stopped playing nice with the Macs and of course the IT guys (both Mac haters) were at a loss, and really not that helpful -- until MY boss suggested to them that if they didn't want to be real IT people and support all our computers, that he would just price out a Mac server and put me in charge of it. I practically giggled with glee. They hopped to it, but were still at a loss until I explained to them about resource forks and data forks (but not salad forks; I leave that to Miss Manners). After much more hand-wringing and Mac crashes they finally rebooted the whole server (which they hadn't done in a couple months) and upgraded some software. Problem solved... except some linger Mac troubles after they were crashed so many times.

Sigh.

Do I have to do everything?

I know at least partly why I was in such a pissy mood Thursday (see below). After watching the first episode of Big Brother the night before, then being forced to watch an episode of of Judge Joe Brown and part of Divorce Court and an ad for Judge Judy at the gym (where are Joe and Blue when I need them!?!) I was depressed by just how gross, self-centered, mean, petty, narcissistic, manipulative, and just plain stupid human beings can be. I don't know why I watch Big Brother; it's the only reality show I watch besides Real World.

I'm sure why, but I'm in one of those moods today, where I think mankind just needs to be wiped off the surface of the earth (though preferably by some nice neat virus like Ebola or Anthraax that will leave the animal and plant kingdoms unharmed; something like The Stand without the religious crap).

Hah-hah! This would be me.

Back to bitching: I can't stand smokers who just toss their cigarette butts in the gutter or on the sidewalk and leave them... that's LITTERING.

A little aside about Minority Report.

I went with Vince, and when we first saw all the gleaming high-rises and the fabulous cars on maglev tracks, Vince turned to me and whispered "Must be Rosslyn!" I was thinking the same thing! A little inside joke.

Rosslyn is actually Northern Virginia, right across the river from D.C. It is a cluster of fairly modern high-rise buildings, and looks like a mini-city sprouting out of the surrounding land. This is partly because you are not allowed to construct a building in the District of Columbia taller than the Capitol. Rosslyn is part of Arlington County (where I live), which is relatively free of crime and the county gvt. is quite wealthy, especially compared to the District right across the Potomac River. Arlington repairs roads that barely have a little crack in them. The District has roads with patches upon patches, metal plates everywhere, strange ripples, potholes and gouges. I hate driving into the District.

I find it very interesting that the same people (conservative republicans) who want government out of our lives also want to make schoolchildren say the pledge of allegience including a reference to a deity we don't all believe in.

I find it very interesting that conservative republicans who are all about law enforcement and tough sentencing are howling with indignation over the red-light cameras and (more recently) speeding cameras installed around the District of Columbia and now in Northern Virginia. These cameras have caught hundreds (maybe thousands) of people running red lights, providing revenue for the city and deterring law-breakers. These locations are even marked with warnings! And, you only get a fine, not points. My feeling is that these people really have nothing to complain about. They are running the red light, end of story. I still see people (mostly cabs) run red lights, fail to stop before turning right on red, and generally engage in sloppy, aggressive and dangerous driving every day.

And another thing about cab drivers -- mostly DC cab drivers: they should all have the horns in their cars disabled. These guys honk (I mean lay on the horn) at the drop of a hat. And something that I've never seen in other cities: if they see a prospective fare (e.g., a white guy in a suit) walking along the sidewalk, they slow down and honk at him. I see this all the time: people who show no intention fo hailing a cab getting honked at. It should be illegal.

*Hanging head in shame.*

Well I was about to try upgrading to OS 9.2 on my cube yesterday, but decided to try a
desktop rebuild first, just in case. Lo and behold, it appears to have solved the horrible AOL problem! I'll keep you posted as to whether the fix sticks.

I was listening to NPR again this morning (WETA here in DC) because I had really reached my tolerance threshold on ads on the local commercial classical station (WGMS). I do miss the stories on Morning Edition, but it's very distracting when I am trying to write. I had been a loyal listener to WETA until a couple of years ago when they went to an expanded talk format and cut back on their classical music programming. They decided this without even trying to consult their listeners or -- especially -- contributing members like me. I sent them a nasty letter to that effect and got a form reply that basically said all they care about is their corporate contributors. So I don't give them money any more, and the only show I listen to is Sunday Baroque on Sunday mornings. Partly because I love that kind of music, and partly cause I like host Suzanne Bona's voice.

So, neither station really serves my needs. Enter iTunes once again. There is a little selection called Radio Tuner that gives you instant access to dozens of internet radio stations. I'm currently listening to Baroque Gems. Unfortunately, internet radio is apparently in danger because the RIAA is trying to make them pay userous royalties. Details can be found here.

Also this morning I sat in bed and wrote a long entry whining about my childhood. I can't decide whether to post it here or just keep it to myself. I think the act of writing it is most of the therapy; posting it on the internet still seems a bit narcissistic.

So, How are you?

Okay, this is quite bizarre. I had heard about this somewhere, but not any details about it. Then I happened to be listening to NPR this morning and heard more details. Turns out this guy is actually an atheist, and he's chosen the most outrageous bible stories to make these Lego dioramas out of. Apparently he gets emails from other atheists who think it's funny, and he gets emails from Sunday school teachers asking if they can use the images to help teach bible lessons.

I find it all a little bit weird.

In other news, that Aussie cutie Lleyton Hewitt won Wimbledon.

So here I am at 8:30 AM at work on a Saturday. But do not fear, dear readers, I am not doing actual work.

No, instead I was finally going to install Bryce 5 (on my, ahem, work computer because it's running OS X), but the freaking upgrade software doesn't recognize my previous serial number!! Don't you HATE it when that happens? Fortunately, a quick search of the web revealed this helpful page. So at least it wasn't me. But now I must wait until Monday to call them, since they refuse to even talk about this sort of thing in email. Grrr. So meanwhile I'm installing the dozens of Poser goodies I've been buying over the years.



Oh, and BTW, that BBQ that I skipped out on on the 4th? Vince told me that a half hour after he got there the power went off, and they all *DIED* in 100� heat. I'm trying not to gloat. Trying...

Ooooh! Duran Duran is BACK! All five members too! I always liked Roger Taylor, the drummer.

I emailed Vince about my AOL troubles (he still uses it too; I met him on AOL after all). He called me like 10 minutes later and said he wasn't having any trouble, but he's running OS 9.2 and I'm running 9.1. Maybe I need a desktop rebuild.

Anyway, he asked me to go to this barbeque today that he and Ryan are going to. I met the host on Saturday at Bourne Identity. It was nice of Vince to try to get me to go, but I just can't bear the thought of it: Ryan, his BF (who, according to Vince, looks like Cary Elwes, and is an asshole), and a bunch of DC Queens. And on top of that they are going out to some park to see the fireworks. It's 100� outside! And fireworks: so low-tech. I've always found them to be just so-so in the fun department. AND I just don't feel very patriotic, what with being gay and an atheist. I think maybe I should live in Canada, or (If I spoke German) Switzerland. But then Andreas hates where he lives too.

So, I waffled a bit but in the end told Vince thanks but no thanks. I get angry at myself every time I turn down a social invitation (Chris at work has given up trying to get me to go out with him and his BF and ex-BF) but I don't LIKE going to things like that: unstructured social situations where I'm supposed to play nice and talk to a bunch of people I really would rather not talk to. I'm always uncomfortable, I feel like I have to be on guard all the time. The total wallflower I guess. Or now we call it 'social anxiety.' After the movie last weekend we were walking around and Ryan could tell I wasn't comfortable, he kept asking me if I was okay. He was right: this guy (the host of today's event) was whining about having to sell 40k of his stock to put a down payment on another house or something. Poor guy. Not.

There is a beautiful dog at the DC animal shelter, a Huskie/Malamute mix named Juneau. I would love to adopt him but I am just away from home too much and my condo is probably really too small for a dog who is even bigger than Nanuk was. :-(

You know that this is only the beginning.

We're headed for a collapse that is going to make the economic backlash after 9/11 look like a picnic. Just my opinion.

I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me.
-- Pet Shop Boys, Being Boring

I still miss Dave sometimes.

In more mundane circles. I never thought I would switch to Microsquish Internet Explorer, but for almost everything it is simply a better browser than Netscape. I use it as my primary browser at home and on the G4 at work.

And now, after more than 10 years, I am really getting fed up with AOL. The new OS X version shows promise, but the junk mail is really getting to be annoying. Junk mail filtering on AOL really sux, much more clumsy and hard to use than, say junk mail filtering on *shudder* Microsoft Oultook Express. Worse, AOL on my Cube at home (still running OS 9) has started this strange horrible crashing behavior that takes out my Mac entirely.

V. annoying.

I'm tempted to start shifting some of my email to my Mac.com address, which I can use with OE.

Time to leave the cool confines of my work cubicle where I am embraced by my creaky-if-trusty Power Mac 8600 (with 224 MB of RAM and accelerated with a 400 mhz G3 card) and my fabulous silver 900 mhz G4 tower (tricked out with a full gig of RAM and running OS X like a finely-tuned sportscar).

I must venture out into the wilting swelter and the honking of rude cab-drivers and the smell of sewage wafting up from beneath the pock-marked streets of DC


So tell me, how are YOU doing, gentle readers?

OMG! I just took the Trading Spaces quiz! I was sure I was going to be Vern, but I love Doug (the self-described bitch of the group) almost as much.





take the which one of the
trading spaces cast are you? quiz!

Sigh.

So apparently Jonno is going to stop doing his blog. This saddens me, though I�m not sure why. His entries have become more and more oblique, and the URL references have shifted from being helpful, fun and interesting to annoying because you have to go to all his links to understand what he is talking about.

In other news, I finally managed to find a psychiatrist who (allegedly) accepts my horrid insurance, so now I�m on a waiting list and will hopefully get to see him in July. I�m really not thrilled about going back on antidepressants, but all these years of �talk� therapy don�t seem to have done me much good. At least this time I am forewarned of the potential problems: weight gain, blood thinning, and the �sexual side effects� (as we will euphemistically put it).

It is so damn hot here in DC today. According to the Weather Channel website it�s only 93, but �feels like� 101�. Nice. Well, at least my A/C chose last Friday to break rather than this week, and I actually found a decent repair guy who got it fixed early Saturday morning. Though that set me back $475. Ack!

T. Kevin's weekend movie review, part 2: Bourne Identity.

The best thing about this movie is -- surprise! -- Matt Damon. He's got that boyish cuteness that is all wrong for an international spy/assassin, which makes it all the more fun. And, as I read somewhere, he obviously practiced hard for the fight sequences. Matt kicks ass! Unfortunately we don't get too see very much of his hard body, but in one scene when he is in a tanktop, his shoulders were very nice. And I have to like Matt, because unlike Tom Cruise, he and Affleck have a sense of humor about the gay rumors. Cases in point:

1. On Will and Grace, when Matt was playing a guy pretending to be gay, Jack demanded to know the name of his alleged high school boyfriend. Matt immediately blurts out "Ben!"

2. In Dogma, (where Matt and Ben play angels), a woman assumes they are lovers, and they clumsily try to deny it.

3. At the MTV Movie Awards, Kevin Smith (pretending to be Matt) says something about he can't hide it any more, and kisses Ben on the mouth. (Ben looks genuinely stunned afterwards).

T. Kevin's weekend movie review, part 1: Minority Report.

First of all I had to get past Tom Cruise. I just don't like him (his homophobia and his Scientology, mainly). Fortunately, I did get past my dislike for the actor. This is an excellent movie in many ways, very thought-provoking, and because of this I don't think it is a coincidence that this and Blade Runner were both based on stories by Philip K. Dick. And either accidentally or on purpose on Speilberg's part, there are many elements and characters in this movie that harken back to that classic: the ubiquitous advertising, the quirky characters like the eye surgeon and the woman with the plants... things they do and the way they behave: VERY Blade-runneresque. Oh, and the thing with the eyes... ew.

Unlike Bourne Identity which I saw yesterday (review later, maybe) this was a philosophically complex movie. I enjoyed it, though there were some very creepy moments.

Remember my blog about Blue's Clues? a while back? Here's an amusing interview with Steve Burns, the original host. Pretty funny guy.

But I have the hots for the new host, Joe (Donovan Patton).

I would be pleased about the Circuit Court Ruling except that it has incited a backlash even worse than I would have expected. We atheists are a small minority who are often placed in awkward situations like reciting the POA, etc.

It reminds me of the poignant scene in Contact where Dr. Ellie Arroway (based I think, belief-wise on the author himself, Dr. Carl Sagan) refuses to lie in a Senate hearing to be approved to go in the alien wormhole machine and say that she believes in god.

I had another one of those run-and-hide dreams last night. Not surprisingly (since I went to bed right after watching the show) it involved a Stargate. At least no one could accuse me of having boring dreams, I suppose. I was part of a Stargate team and we were being pursued by one of the System Lords (if you�ve seen the movie and not the show, the System Lords are all like Jaye Davidson: taking the name of a god, glowing eyes, cool toys that kill people, big tough bodyguard dudes � Jaffa � with staffs that shoot lightning).

I never have straight out �chase� dreams; I have �hiding� dreams where you are being hunted by something or someone. So we kept jumping from world to world and place to place as these faceless pursuers closed in on us. But we kept finding new ways to slip away in the nick of time, usually by locating some secret exit in a ruin, or some tunnel, or to get back to a Stargate and activate it just as the Jaffa are closing in.

And THIS was one of those dreams where I�d wake up in the middle of the night, even get up and go get a glass of water, etc., and go back to bed and the dream would start up again. Augh. It did that twice.

I�ve been having these sort of dreams at least since college and maybe before. I�m sure it symbolizes running and hiding from some issue in real life and always avoiding it just barely. But I don�t get any feeling from the dream that it would do any good to actually confront the pursuers (as conventional psychotherapy might dictate). It does of course make me think of my (former) therapist who kept wanting me to try to talk to my parents and �train� them not to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. My response was always that I had nothing to gain from it, that all it would achieve was to cause me more stress waiting for the next time one of them would deliver one of their put-downs. I don�t feel like I owe them anything.

Ah well, enough about that. Off to the gym.

Call me a liberal, but I love Katie Couric. I guess it also doesn't hurt that she went to my Alma Mater.

Um, Woah, Rosie! Though deep down, don't you agree with most of it?

In other news, I am SO glad I took my money out of that 401k back when the market was at almost 1100. It wasn't much anyway, but better going to a new iBook and iPod and paying off some debt than to Martha Stewart, Enron, Worldcom and all those other sleazeballs.

And Martina Navratilova lashes out at the U.S. and accuses the Bush administration of suppressing free speech. Go Martina!

In the fantasy escape dept, there is a new trailer for The TWO TOWERS! Go them! Don't bother with the 'bootleg' one, the quality sux.

I hope they get all three movies out before the Apocalypse.

Here's a pretty cool website for major geeks. There's even a Mac section. :-)

Another weekend gone just like that. How does this happen?

I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for ICE to come back with contracts so we can get my Shadow World situation settled.

Supposed to be 90's today here in DC (aka 'Ground Zero'). Yuck. I really hate this climate. I want to live in San francisco, and not because of the gay life.

I'm trying to get up the nerve to call a new doctor this morning. I got some referrals from my old dr., but it's hard to start over like this. Not to mention calling up some total stranger. Ugh.

Oops.

But maybe if we spent more than $1 million on actually looking for dangerous asteroids rather than $100 million on movies about asteroids we might do better. (I'm pretty sure I read that in TIME the year Armageddon and Deep Impact came out.)

Okay it was another night of really strange dreams, this time involving Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. And not the sometimes ridiculous series, but the movie. And Walter Pigeon was the Bad Guy in my dream. there was a lot of running and chasing around in the Seaview, but I don't remember much else. Maybe more will come back to me...

Maybe he is why I love(d) Stargate so much.

Michael Shanks himself is a semi-hottie (though I swear they put him in these khakis that showed off his ass on every possible occassion, and the camera angles...) and though he has seemed kind of flat to me in the few other things I've seen him in, he has been very fun to watch playing Daniel Jackson. He mimics a lot of the funny quirks, speech and mannerisms that James Spader gave to the movie version of Jackson, but there's a lot more to Shank's interpretation. He (unlike Spader) was a kind of sexy geek. He was brilliant, boyish, cute and sometimes really annoying, but always interesting.

But, apparently Shanks said he was leaving the show if 'they' didn't develop his character more, and 'they' called his bluff. I don't pretend to know what really went on, but it seemed to me that in Season Four (I am a season behind because I watch it on Fox in syndication, not Showtime) at least, he was getting plenty of screen time and some interesting episodes. I WAS disappointed in the seemingly gratuitous appearance of the scantily-clad "Tok'ra Barbie" character in season four (who Peter DeLouise as much as admitted was an attempt to grab young male ratings, a la 7 of 9 in Voyager. Sheesh!) but I like the stuff with the Go'a'ould system lords and the quasi-egyptian tech-toys.

Now there is talk of bringing him back, since apparently he didn't really 'die' at the end of season five (convenient, though I guess that was nicer than killing him like the did to Dax on Star Trek DS9). But, though I wouldn't mind seeing Shanks back, I feel a little sorry for Cory Nemec. He has that unenviable role as Jackson's 'replacement.'

If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts would tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.

I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back!

If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartache comes,
The hero would be you.
But heroes often fail.

I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back!

If You Could Read My Mind
Gordon Lightfoot
(Stars on 54 disco version)

I LOVED the movie "54" and no, not just because of the shots of Ryan Phillippe's totally perfect posterior. Okay, well that was a factor. But I thought Mike Myers was very good as the wormy gay club owner. And it was all about the end of the 70's and that certain feeling of freedom. So now there's something about this song (that was performed at the end of the movie).that always makes me feel a little sad. I was thinking of this because after the Versace show on E! yesterday was the True Hollywood Story: Studio 54 (but I'd seen it already).

I was a slug this weekend. Actually I was going to set up an aquarium but at the last minute I wimped out, mainly because I'm on the top floor of my condo, and would feel real bad if the thing sprung a leak and dumped 10 gallons of water on the nice (if a bit odd) man downstairs.

So after that aborted project, I (to quote my old whalish boss) 'flopped around on the bed' most of the weekend. I watched way too much Trading Spaces and most of the E! True Hollywood Story: Versace. Actually, I must admit I mostly wanted to see the sensationalist bit about the guy who shot him, Andrew Cunanan. I had forgotten that Cunanan had gone on this freakish killing spree and Versace was a semi random victim: though apparently Versace had barely even met Cunanan, the designer no doubt represented everything that Cunanan then hated: the older, wealthy patrons who had since dumped their aging gigolo. Creepy, yet strangely fascinating (at least on a blah Sunday afternoon).

Part of the fun of Blogger is seeing the clever names other people give their blogs. This one is today's winner.

Who knew Bill Blass was so pervasive? Though perhaps deservedly so. He was apparently a very talented designer who didn't take himself too seriously. Which reminds me of an old tv commercial for a deodorant (I think) that featured another clothing designer, Emilio Pucci. My sister and I used to try to imitate his pinched-mouth Italian (?) accent... "Motion, colour (sic), and a sense of style, this is what I try to achieve..." much to each other's amusement. Hey, we were like age 12 and 8.

Then we would go play with Barbies together. Yes, I know, how gay! I don't think I liked the Barbies themselves all that much (well, except Ken, who hung out with that rough trade G.I. Joe an awful lot) but I liked all her stuff. I loved decorating the townhouse we made for them out of these huge built-in wall cabinets.

And while I'm babbling about Ken, I just love that postcard at left. Of course the wonderful and witty Dan Savage had another name for 'Magic Earring Ken.' I own one myself (along with Star Trek Ken and Barbie), and tend to agree with Dan that the makers of M.E.K. knew what they were doing.

ANYWAY, not only was Blass' death all over the media, but he gets mentioned in my sister's and Jonno's blogs, but his obit was also read by the trainer in the somewhat silly 'listening skills' seminar I attended at work yesterday. The trainer read the obit and we were quizzed about it afterwards to see how well we listened.

But this wasn't as fun as when we were supposed to exchange information with a co-worker for later quizzing. It was the old 'desert island' scenario. One of the things was, 'what three CDs would you take with you?'

Well I could have listed all classical stuff, but I knew my co-worker Patrice (a real sweetheart) wasn't familair with classical and it would be cruel to list off a lot of stuff that would be ridiculously hard to remember. I did pick Bach's Brandenberg Concertos but for the other two I chose (no surprises here) The Backstreet Boys: Millennium and *N Sync: No Strings Attached. Now on the one hand you might think, 'wouldn't you get tired of that Boyband vapidity real soon? But that's what I listen to over and over on my iPod.

Oh and Patrice was much nicer than me: she even chose CDs by one-name artists: two by Prince and one by Sade.

Oh how I hate our health care system.

As fabulous as it may be compared to much of the rest of the world's, it seems like we still lag behind many other countries, especially in the way we deal with mental health care. But I won't even go into that now. What's pissing me off today is that as of Jan 1, I am under like the 4th health care plan in the last 3 years. This one is a PPO. I love how they name things. "Preferred Provider Organization." The 'Preferred' of course refers to the provider they prefer, not the one, for instance, that I have been going to for the last eight years, who I would prefer. (It's like when stores advertise a sale and they say 'selected items' it means items they select.)

And if you go out of their 'network' in this case there's a $500 deductible, and they only pay like 80% after that. As opposed to their 'members' (who agree to reduced fees, I assume, which means they need patients, which makes you wonder if they are as qualified...) who, if you go to them there is no deductible and you pay like a $10 flat fee. So I guess today I get to call my old Dr and ask him to either join the discount club or suggest a Dr. from the list of those my insurance deems 'preferred.' Grr.

Paranoia sets in.
The guy they just arrested in the dirty bomb plot was apparently 'not very far along' but now he's an 'enemy combatant' and according to a guy on the INFJ mailing list I subscribe to (description of us INFJs here) who was a soldier and a cop says that now this guy can be tried in a military court, which could be secret, accepts hearsay as evidence, blah blah blah. I considered making a reply on the list bringing up again the strange similarities between our current situation and the plot of Star Wars episodes 1 and 2. But I was scared. You know the FBI is scanning email, web site and listserves now... They are probably reading this... uh oh.

If Bush wasn't such a dork I'd be hearing the Imperial March right now. But then Cheney probably has a Darth Vader outfit he dresses up in when no one is watching. He's already got that pacemaker thingy, next the respirator...

Dah dah dah dun-dah-dun, dun-da-dum...

I watched the premiere of Stargate SG-1 in its new home on the Sci-fi channel Friday night, and I can now breathe a sigh of relief. Stargate has apparently suffered not at all in its migration from Showtime to Scifi. Apparently the same company is producing the show (the sets appear to be the same), Richard Dean (MacGyver) Andersen is still Executive Producing, and even Peter DeLouise (21 Jump Street, SeaQuest) is still Creative Consultant. And while I am saddened by the departure of the nerdily-hunky Michael Shanks as Dr. Jackson, I am pleased to say that Corin Nemec (Parker Lewis!) has matured into if not a hunk, a nice looking young man. His hairline is going a bit but he's still got that cute smile.

Through the darkness of future past
the magician longs to see
one chants out between two worlds
'Fire walk with me.'
-- The one-armed man, Twin Peaks

What a cool show. I wish they would put it on Bravo again.

Finally watched the Six Feet Under season finale last night. Once again, I am Brenda. She's good at denial and running away. It was good in many other ways too, though I just can't bring myself to care much about Nate.

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE

Do you know the way to San Jose?
I've been away so long. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

L.A. is a great big freeway.
Put a hundred down and buy a car.
In a week, maybe two, they'll make you a star
Weeks turn into years. How quick they pass
And all the stars that never were
Are parking cars and pumping gas

Do you know the way to San Jose?
They've got a lot of space. There'll be a place where I can stay
I was born and raised in San Jose
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

Fame and fortune is a magnet.
It can pull you far away from home
With a dream in your heart you're never alone.
Dreams turn into dust and blow away
And there you are without a friend
You pack your car and ride away

I've got lots of friends in San Jose
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Can't wait to get back to San Jose.

I couldn't resist. Actually I could very easily substitute Washington for L.A. and Charlottesville for San Jose. The real San Jose is probably a great big freeway now...

Well, "Say a Little Prayer" of thanks: Dionne Warwick got the marijuana charges against her dropped. I remember listening to her singing all those Burt Bacharach penned tunes when I was a kid. One of my favorites was "Do You Know the Way to San Jose," but I don't think I really understood the lyrics back then.

So Dionne got off this time; she should really stop hanging around with that scary Uber-diva Whitney Houston.

But you'd think that her Psychic Friends could have warned her about this in advance.

I've been enjoying Wiley's comics for a while now. This one is a classic. If only this guy got what was coming to him...

"Duty is what one expects from others."
-- Oscar Wilde

Back in DC now. Work yesterday wasn't as bad as I had feared; more of the same really. When I checked my TiVo at home I discovered to my annoyance that my cable provider had somehow managed to screw up something and make the TiVo believe that my channel lineup had completely changed. Six Feet Under wasn't recorded, all my Season Passes were lost (except, inexplicably, MTV shows). So it took a little reprogramming to get things back to a semblance of normalcy. Annoying, it was.

"Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes."
-- Oscar Wilde

I�m writing this entry (using my fabulous iBook) as I sit in my favorite garden off the Lawn at U.Va. I�ve just spent the last hour or so touring the grounds, walking the routes I took hundreds -- or thousands -- of times many years ago.

Ever since I was coming down 29 North yesterday morning, I�ve been having that strange feeling that I really haven�t been gone all that long, though it�s actually been about ten years. Charlottesville has changed somewhat, but not really that dramatically.

I wasn�t sure why I wanted to take this trip down memory lane, and I�m still not entirely certain. There are so many memories here though, almost all of them good. It�s amazing how many really vivid memories I have from that time. I think when you are exposed to a new environment your brain kicks into a heightened state of awareness and the neurons are more likely to form those more permanent structures. Or whatever.

As I was walking back from my old dorm room it occurred to me that my college years were probably the happiest years of my life. First year in particular. While I was nervous of course, and introverted and naive, it was such an eye-opening experience to be away from home and more or less on my own and responsible for myself. I�d like to think that I �blossomed� here (if you can call it that). I�m a little surprised how well I actually took to it all (not as surprised as my �I was sure you�d come home crying homesick after two weeks� mother). I was fortunate in a number of ways though: absentee roommate, a suite of generally nice and also kind of shy (except for Jake) guys

Though there are of course many things I wished I could have done (come out, for one) or done less of (I did a LOT of gaming) I�m still pretty pleased with the experience overall.